Finding Out the Baby's Sex

During my first pregnancy, shortly after finding out we were having twins, Chris voiced that he did not want to find out the sex of the twins. Well, he quickly lost that battle. There was no way I could go an entire pregnancy with TWINS and not know what they were. There were too many possible combinations and with a nursery and registry that needed to be completed, I had to know! 

So when this second pregnancy rolled around Chris, again, voiced that he didn't want to know the sex. I knew this was coming, but since it was a singleton and we already have some of the basic baby things, I decided I could wait. 

As the weeks have passed by, I've warmed up more and more to the idea of not finding out the sex. It's fun to know during the pregnancy (you know, so we can snag cute baby clothes and pick out a name), but to find out in the moment of delivery sounds so thrilling and wonderful. We're in our 30's and there aren't many surprises left in this life. This is not only the ultimate gift, but the ultimate surprise. Just imagining that as the baby cries for the first time, which is such a glorious moment in and of itself, but to also hear the words It's a ___ just adds a whole new depth to the joy of that moment. 

I'm one day away from 23 weeks - a tremendous milestone in this pregnancy and yesterday I had my last cervical length ultrasound. The night prior I was telling Chris that it would probably be the last ultrasound for a while - which makes me really sad. Having a complicated pregnancy is never desired, but if there is a benefit, it's that you get to see your baby A LOT! I've been spoiled when it comes to ultrasounds. When I was pregnant the first time I had weekly ultrasounds up to 12 weeks just because I was going to an infertility doctor. Then when I went on bed rest I had ultrasounds every other day. This pregnancy, because of the cervical length checks, I've had ultrasounds every other week. So the idea of going three, four, five weeks or more without seeing the baby is just weird. 

So in our conversation that night, after talking about it being the last ultrasound for a while, I got an I'm about to say something unexpected look across the room from Chris. Then, out of nowhere he says… 

I think I want to know what the baby is. 

WHAT?!?!

Complete shock over here. 

The anticipation is getting to him and he's not sure how much longer he can wait. Which I should have seen coming since the boy can't keep secrets. I mean if he buys me a Christmas gift before Christmas, he's going to give it to me the day he buys it. He can't handle the anticipation! He still wants to wait, but it's just getting harder! 

Although, I've completely given into NOT knowing (*cough* Chris's idea) and I've romanticized the delivery and the announcement of the baby's gender immediately after birth, I love how excited he is! This has obviously been on his mind and he's now starting to give in. Either way, whether we find out before or after the birth, it's the most exciting thing ever. It will be thrilling no matter when we find out! 

So at my appointment yesterday I took an envelope and a card that I made above. My ultrasonographer took pictures of the baby's gender, put it in our card, and sealed it up! If it becomes too much for Chris to handle, we will open the card - if he can pull it together and wait it out, we will wait! 

In the meantime, I still have no clue or feeling as to what this baby is. The hardest part about not knowing is trying not to refer to the baby as "it". I try to say "the baby" most times. In my mind I generally refer to the baby as he, but I've also referred to the baby as she. I've only had one dream about the gender and it was a boy. However, when I was pregnant with the girls, I would dream about twin boys or boy/girls twins, but never twin girls. So it's all very confusing. All I know for sure about this baby is that he/she is growing strong and perfectly and is staying put! 

A SURPRISE Pregnancy

And it was a BIG surprise.

To say we were shocked to learn this news is an incredible understatement. We were not trying, this was not our plan; this happened completely unassisted by any medication, nurses, doctors, or procedures. I actually wasn't on any medication at all - I'd ditched it all. But that makes the fact that this happened even more so unbelievable. A complete miracle. Our second miracle.

I've passed 12 weeks. Which is a big milestone - especially since my body has done all the work by itself. Typically 12 weeks is considered a safe zone, but after your water breaks at 16 weeks and you deliver at 23 weeks, you realize there is no safe zone in pregnancy. So every week that rolls over means there's one behind us and for that we are thankful.

I learned of this surprise on September 20th, a Sunday night. I went to the bathroom to take a shower - a complete luxury these days. As my shower water was warming, I decided to take a pregnancy test. I did not think I was pregnant. At all. I only knew it was getting close to two months since my last cycle and although I typically have longer cycles, this was getting to be the longest since giving birth.

I took the test thinking knowing it would be negative. Hoping a negative test would tell my brain to tell my body to go ahead and get this show on the road! I cared so little about that test, I decided to not even wait around, but to go ahead and shower and then I'd just look at it afterwards. For some reason, I needed to go back to my counter to get something and when I glanced down I saw a bright, strong line. I initially thought it was the control line, but after closer examination, I realized it was in fact the test line.

My jaw dropped. My hands covered my mouth. I stared at myself in the mirror. What?

My first reaction was tears. I cried for a lot of reasons. I was shocked and surprised. In denial that this was real life. I was scared. My mind was not prepared for another pregnancy so soon after such a traumatic experience. I'd even recently began to consider the idea of Sadie Ann being an only child. So this hit me in the gut, really hard.

I went on to shower and afterwards ended up in Sadie Ann's nursery. Sitting in her rocking chair. I lost it. I was sobbing. Juggling a hundred different emotions. Chris eventually came in, holding Sadie Ann. He walked in on me crying and I saw the fear in his face. He asked me four, five times, What's wrong, Linley?

Nothing was wrong.

Then I told him. I'm pregnant.

Through my tears I saw his jaw drop and then a smile come across his face. He was comforting, also in shock, but immediately happy. He looked to Sadie Ann and told her she was going to be a big sister. Seeing him completely happy (doing a great job of hiding any fear he might have been feeling) about the news helped me to gather myself and dry the tears.

God definitely likes to remind us that we don't make our own plans. As I mentioned earlier, I had recently began to think we would just be a family of three. At one point in my life I wanted four children. At this point, I was completely content with one. Even if we were to have more children, it would be several years from now. I knew I wanted to give everything I had to Sadie Ann these first three or four years of her life. And after finding out I was pregnant, this is what I struggled with the most. I was immediately worried she wouldn't get every ounce of me that she deserved.

I was wrapped up in this idea for a while.

Then, in a conversation with Chris, he said she will never know the difference. And he was right. God used that simple sentence to completely turn my fear and emotions around. If anything, she's going to love having a baby in the house. Someone so close in age as they are growing up. And that makes me smile.

Today I am 15 weeks and 4 days. Even into the second trimester, sometimes this just doesn't seems real. Then I catch a glimpse of my growing belly and am reminded this is very real. In the past week, I've even began to feel the baby flip and move about - a feeling I didn't realize I missed so badly. Today I took a nap with Sadie Ann. She was snuggled up with me. I had her in my arms and could feel the baby flipping and I felt so blessed. I was laying there surrounded by two blessings and two miracles. And Katie.

Next week is 16 weeks. I'm obviously juggling a bit of fear, but like I discussed with my OBGYN, this baby was not our plan, it was God's. That fact gives me confidence that He will protect me and the baby and carry us to full term without any unexpected events - restoring our hope in pregnancy. That's my prayer. Every single day.

I'm having ultrasounds every other week to check my cervix -  checking the length and to make sure there is no funneling or concerning issues. So far so good! We're doing an extra one next week just because it's week 16 - mainly for my peace of mind.

Right now my mind is at peace. Even though I had no desire to become pregnant any time soon, I'm thankful to have this experience again. An experience I didn't know if I was willing to ever give a second chance.