Journey to Baby: First Cycle with RE // Part II

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Journey to Baby: First Cycle with RE // Part I

I took my HCG "trigger shot" on the night of CD12 (June 15, 2014) and our first IUI was scheduled for the morning of CD 14.

So that morning of our IUI we went in for part one of the visit - the husband's part. You know. So he did his thing. Now, we had the option of collecting the specimen at home as long as it gets tot he office within 30 minutes, but we lived 20-25 minutes away from the office and I just didn't want to take the chance. Of course it's a more comfortable way of doing things, but my comfort was in making sure all those swimmers stayed alive and swimming. I wanted them to go straight into the cup and then straight into the hands of the lady cleaning and preparing them for the injection. That's what made us most comfortable.

So the cleaning of the sperm - which is to concentrate only the rapid-motility sperms - took about 45 minutes. So we left and had breakfast as our little guys were being prepped for the long race!

Once we returned to the office, we were immediately called back to the "IUI room" - a small room with the typical exam table - stirrups included, the exam lamp, and a sink area. Very small and minimal. Much like any gynecological visit, I had the pleasure of removing the lower portion of my clothes and covering up with a paper blanket.

Shortly after undressing, the nurse practitioner came in for the procedure. She handed me the vial of our swimmers to double check information - that is was indeed my husband's and not someone else's. Time out - this is my biggest fear. BIGGEST! The idea that samples and specimens could get mixed up. For this reason, I scheduled all our appointments for 7a.m. insuring we were the first. I know it's very unlikely - especially since this office is so small, but it's a legit fear. Luckily, that day we were the only couple doing an IUI. Shew! The information checked out - it was my husband. So we moved forward. I held the little guys and kept them warm in my palm while the NP got set up.

The IUI procedure was a combination of getting a yearly physical and the HSG I had back in October 2013. It was very quick. Painless. Mildly uncomfortable at the worst (mostly because of the speculum). Once that was in place, a catheter was inserted into my uterus and on the other end of the catheter was a syringe. She took the swimmers from my warm grip, immediately placed them in a syringe, and just like that, our little swimmers were injected directly into my uterus. I felt a little bit of cramping, but honestly nothing compared to the HSG. And then it was over. I was instructed to continue lying down for 15-20 minutes and then I would have an ultrasound.

The ultrasound was just to double check that there was indeed some fluid on the ovaries - indicating ovulation was imminent and everything was done correctly. And it was. Bring on the two-week wait (TWW - a common acronym for women with infertility).

I had a week between my IUI and my next appointment. Which felt slightly odd as I had spent the past week or so either at the doctor's office or at least giving myself shots of some kind. So it kind of felt like a vacation. Exactly a week later I came in for blood work to test my progesterone. A certain level of progesterone indicates if ovulation occurred. That's it. It does not indicate pregnancy - just ovulation. The higher the number, the better quality of the egg and/or the more likely that there was multiple eggs released. I can't recall my exact progesterone level this cycle, but it was satisfactory - I want to say just above the recommended number. So I definitely ovulated. Yay!

So I was to then again come back in a week to do a HCG/beta blood work (which tests for the pregnancy hormone, HCG) to see if infact I was pregnant. I was told HCG needed to be 25 or greater to be considered pregnant. Since this was our first cycle and I was feeling good about it, I requested that the nurse leave the results on my voicemail. I knew the results would be in before either of us got off work and I thought it would be special to listen together. So whether it was positive or negative, we'd be there for each other. Well around 2p.m. I saw I had a new voicemail from the clinic. It about killed me to know that the results were there, but I had to wait. Chris got home a little earlier that evening and we immediately sat down on the couch and pressed play.

I already had a feeling that this cycle wasn't successful. After months and months of trying without success, you get very familiar with what it feels like to not be pregnant. And I didn't feel pregnant, but still had some hope. Maybe it feels exactly the same?

As soon as the nurse started her message, I knew. I could hear it in her voice. She left a very sweet message, but ultimately said my beta test was negative and it did not work out this cycle. She never said what my beta number was, but it was obviously less than 5 (5-25 is considered possibly pregnant and requires additional testing a couple days later).

We were quite for a few seconds. Chris put his arms around me and immediately became the comforter and cheerleader saying it was OK and that we'd try again next time and he seemed to move forward from this a lot faster than I did. I stayed on the cough for a while, just starring into space. I considered all the money, straight out of our pockets, that was spent (and now feels wasted) on visits, ultrasounds, and medications. We also received six bills this day from the lab company totaling over $1,000 - just from our first initial visit. Nothing like rubbing salt in the wound.

This negative cycle really hit me hard. I considered the idea that we may move forward and do two or three more IUIs, but what if they don't work? And what if we move on to IVF and that doesn't work? What if we waste another year or two years and thousands of dollars more and none of this works? What if I'm not physically able to become pregnant? What if none of this works and we waste all this money and time that could be used towards adoption? A thousand "what if's" just running through my mind. I was not myself. I was super negative. And I didn't know what to do next. I was scared to try again and fail.

I took the rest of the evening to be sad. I think that's important to let yourself grieve in these situations. Others not going through this may not understand, but I do. You need the time. It's a tough road to walk and it's not good to suppress feelings - especially when you hurt - because it does hurt. I've said it before - because infertility is such a quite subject, those of us dealing have limited outlets.

Fortunately I had one friend. One. She was going through the exact thing - and one friend was all I needed. Just someone that was there to listen with an understanding ear. Someone who could share similar experiences. Between her and my faith, I made it through my first negative cycle with the specialist. My mom also was scheduled to fly in the following day to visit for a couple weeks - it was wonderful to have her there immediately after getting the negative test to take my mind off of everything.

So between the negative test and my next cycle, it was time to decide what was next - taking a break or keep moving forward. I had no clue what I wanted to do.

Journey to Baby: First Cycle with RE // Part I

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Although our first cycle with the fertility clinic was quite a while ago (early June), sitting down to write about it was difficulty. Mostly because the cycle carried quite a bit of emotions - a roller coaster, if you will. We juggled emotions of joy, excitement, fear, doubt, and hopefulness. At times the days and weeks flew by and other times they crawled. Ultimately, it was disappointing.

I had intentions of keeping you all up to date with each cycle, but when the first cycle ended, I found it difficult to put into words how I felt. Spoiler alert: the first cycle was unsuccessful.

Despite our lack of success, I find it necessary to share with you the exact process and details of this cycle. Going into this whole process we didn't know much other than what I had read online - and a lot of times, when you do your own medical research online, everything tends to vary, contradict itself, or scare the poo out of you. So, if any of your are curious about what it may be like to go through a cycle with a fertility specialist or maybe you're just about to get started with one, hopefully this will provide you with the information, the understanding, or the peace of mind you may need.

My cycle began on June 5th. This was cycle day one (CD1).

On day three of my cycle (CD3) I went to the doctor for baseline ultrasound and blood work. The ultrasound looked great - I had 23 follicles that had the potential to grow. My estrogen and FSH were both at satisfactory levels and I was given the go ahead to start with my medication.

As I mentioned, I had done five round of Clomid in the past. All five rounds were extremely successful with egg growth and ovulation; however, the end result of all those cycles was still a negative pregnancy test. With the help of our RE, we decided to move to a more aggressive medication and complete an IUI (if you are unfamiliar with the process of an IUI, ask you doctor for information or read a little bit about it here). I specifically remember our RE giving the option of continuing with Clomid or moving on to a similar, but more aggressive medication: Follistim. Our RE referred to this medication as The Ace in the Hole for patients who have been unsuccessful and dealt with early miscarriages. I'd read about Follistim. I knew it was similar to Clomid in that it stimulates the ovaries to help with egg production, but instead of a pill, it's an injectable. And I knew it was definitely going to be our next goal. We were sitting in her office for a reason. Time to be aggressive.

So on the night of CD 3, I started Follistim injections. Yes, injections. I gave myself nightly shots for six nights in a row. I'll be honest, I was initially petrified. Questioning if I had the willpower to stick my belly with a needle. That first night, I loaded my medication cartridge, filled the pen with my prescribed daily does of medication - which was 75IU - and then just stared at the needle. Several minutes passed as I battled fear and hesitancy. Chris wanted to hang around and watch, but I had to ask him to leave. That's just how I am. I needed to be alone. Most times when I'm scared or enduring pain, I prefer to be alone. After he stepped out, I felt bad. I wanted him there, but I also wanted to do it alone just in case I cried. Or squealed. Once he left, I knew the time was now. I grabbed some belly fat and pushed in the needle… I immediately yelled to Chris, "That didn't hurt AT ALL!" And it didn't! I was amazed and relieved. If you fear needles, it's OK, you can do it! I preferred to give myself all the shots, but if you can't handle it, your husband or RN friend can definitely help you out. The good news is that, it doesn't matter who sticks you - because it doesn't hurt!

In order to not make this post too incredibly long, I'll do a separate post on Follistim - if any of you are interested.

So, I stuck my belly for six nights in a row. On the day after my sixth shot, which was CD 10, I had blood work drawn and a second ultrasound to take a look at how my ovaries were responding to the injections. And they were! I had a total of six eggs growing. Three were on the right and three more were on the left. Unfortunately, they weren't to a mature size after six days of the injections. I had three larger eggs at this time were all 1.3mm - an egg needs to be 1.8mm to be considered mature. My estrogen was also pretty low at this time (I believe in the 60s) which also indicated it wasn't quite time. So I was told to continue the injections for three more nights and then reschedule another visit to repeat blood work and ultrasound.

So I did three more nights of Follistim 75IU and went back to the office on CD 13. The ultrasound that day showed that one of the three larger 1.3mm eggs had grown. It was 1.75mm. The nurse stated that with an egg being 1.75mm, they rounded up - which made it a 1.8mm  - which meant it was mature enough to be released. She informed me that the reason they round up is because the egg continues to grown until it is released. So by the time this egg releases, it would be over 1.8mm. So pending my estrogen level, I was told to take my HCG trigger shot that night and schedule our IUI for two days later.

Leaving the office that day, I was a little bummed out. I was disappointed that out of six growing eggs, only one had grown to a mature size - and it was barely mature! This particular visit fell on a Sunday and we felt kind of rushed through our visit and I didn't really have time to gather my thoughts and voice them. So the next day, I called the nurses line and spoke with my doctor's nurse. She assured me that it was typical and wasn't anything of concern that yes, six were growing at one point, but only one took the lead. This is what happens in most normal cycles. So I took a deep breath and moved on.

I received a phone call a bit later that Sunday stating my estrogen had risen some, but still wasn't great. Despite that, I was still instructed to move forward with the HCG shot that night and IUI in two days.

The HCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) is the pregnancy hormone. A large does of this hormone helps mature eggs complete their growth and release into the fallopian tubes in hopes to be fertilized. I was given an injection of 10,000IU.

Now. The HCG shot wasn't a small needle. And wasn't given in the stomach. No. Flip it and reverse it. This was a long, loooong needle as the medication needed to reach the muscle tissue. And it was to be injected in my rear. I knew I couldn't do it. No way. Sticking a one inch needle in my stomach was one thing, but sticking a two and a half inch, thicker needed in my butt cheek just wasn't something I could do. And I wasn't quite keen on Chris doing it either. Lucky, lucky! for me, my next door neighbor is a nurse. And she was able and willing to give me the shot. Surprisingly enough, this shot didn't hurt either!

The shot was done! 36 hours later we were scheduled for our first IUI. I'll talk about that in the next post!

Journey to Baby // First Cycle with a RE - Part II 

Journey to Baby: First Visit with a Fertility Specialist

There are some situations in life where you think to yourself that will never happen to me.

Since starting our journey, I've learned anything is possible. You're not immune to something just because you can't image yourself in a particular situation or a certain way. I mean, let's be real, who images themselves as infertile? The answer: no one. So my point: thinking that will never happen to me is simply juvenile. With age comes wisdom; I've learned anything can happen.

Going to see a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) was something I never imaged we'd have to do. Never. But there we were - sitting in cozy waiting room, watching HGTV with five other couples. Anxiously waiting our name to be called.

While waiting, I zoned out of watching HGTV (which rarely happens) and I was thankful. Thankful that different situations within the last year and a half had led us to where we were sitting. Thankful that God works in ways that are beyond comprehension, but always on time and perfect. Thankful that we were about to sit down with a specialist that not only deals with infertility on a daily basis, but also dealt with it personally. Someone not only beyond knowledgeable about what we were going through, but understood it on an empathetic level - not something all doctors can offer. She possessed extensive knowledge and experience to pinpoint our individual issues and needs; she could lead us towards finally starting a family. I was sitting in that waiting room with a smile on my face. Though I had never imagined this scenario, I had faith that we were on the right track.

It was May 6th, 2014.

My name was called. Just like that, a new chapter of this journey had begun. We went back and immediately sat down with the RE. She didn't waste our time with frills or fluff or trying to be our best friend. She took her role seriously - which we greatly appreciated. She was informative and straight to the point, but threw in just enough dry humor to make us feel comfortable. We instantly loved her.

Our meeting with the RE was educational. She'd seen our papers and from that information, she was able to ask us additional questions regarding our failed attempts to conceive and sustain a pregnancy in the past. We sat and talked with her for about 45 minutes. She then loaded us up with information, recommendations, and a plan moving forward.

Even though we were just getting started, sitting and conversing with this doctor felt like the weight of two hundred tons being lifted from our shoulders. No we were't magically going to get pregnant that day and yes we still have a long road ahead of us, but now we have a plan. A doctor overseeing every move we make. We had medical intervention as needed at our fingertips. And extensive testing was going to be done so we could figure out and focus on our individual needs to move forward.

After our discussion with the RE, she diagnosed me with two things: polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS) and labeled me a habitual aborter (since I'd had two or more miscarriages in the past). Habitual aborter… geez. Could there be a worse term?

Following the sit-down with the doctor, we then met with a financial counselor. We discussed what we already knew… our insurance wasn't paying a dime for infertility treatment. We went over out of pocket costs and costs for IVF should we need to go that route in the future. We expressed that although insurance isn't paying, we still want to move forward with the necessary testing and procedures to start our family. Baby Chrinley (out celebrity name) would be worth every penny!

Following us signing over all finical responsibility, I got the privilege of then sitting in a tiny, cold room with nothing but a paper blanket and paper vest. That's right. It was the first visit and we were already getting real personal. The doctor ordered a Pap smear and an ultrasound. The pap was pretty self explanatory. The ultrasound was to see what my ovaries and uterus were looking like at this particular point in my cycle. All were looking fine and dandy.

I was then reunited with Chris and we sat down with the nurse. She basically reiterated most of what the doctor discussed and recommended - and then went a little more into detail about our plans moving forward into my next cycle.

Our last stop was with the phlebotomist. The nurse gave us snacks and Sprites prior to having our blood work done and I'm sure glad she did. The RE ordered several different blood panels and was very thorough with doing all the blood work necessary and possible. They took five vials of blood from Chris and they took… wait for it… 20 from me. Yeah, 20. Count 'em.

We ended up spending about four hours at the clinic - which sounds awful, but it really wasn't too bad. We were given a lot of information and a plan for moving forward. The staff was incredibly kind and very aware that they were dealing with patients and couples that fail on their own to conceive and they were sensitive to that. It was such a pleasant experience.

If you've been struggling to conceive for a significant amount of time and you're wondering if you should move forward with a specialist - my recommendation is DO IT! They specialize in exactly what you are going through. Like I said before, trying and failing to conceive is emotionally (and physically) exhausting and there's only so much you can do on your own when infertility is an issue. There comes a time where a decision has to be made and I'm so incredibly thankful we did. Do your research and find a clinic or group that works for your particular situation.

Journey to Baby: Third Six Months of Trying

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Technically I'm only covering five months, but I covered seven last post. So it's all good.

First Six Months of Trying
Second Six Months of Trying

January 2014
December ended up being incredibly refreshing. We were't worry about taking medication, charting temperatures, OPKs, or perfectly timing baby dancing - there was no stress. We enjoyed it so much (and forgot how great it felt) we decided to take off one more month. Then we'd get back at it.

February 2014
As mentioned previously, after you spend a while trying to conceive you become very aware of your body. About a week or so after I ovulated during this second month "off of trying" I noticed some menstral-like cramps. A few days later I began to notice light, quick cramping.

I tried not to read too into it just because I had made the mistake in previous months dissecting every little thing that was going on with my body and convincing myself it was different this time and I was possibly pregnant.

A few days later I noticed, out of nowhere, I had three ulcers in my mouth on the inside of my cheeks. I never get ulcers. Ever. So why would I all of a sudden have three? I immediately Googled oral ulcers early pregnancy. Some websites said they were possible due to your body's drop in immunity defense and other websites suggested poor hygiene (like I was a disgusting slob or something). I chose to go with the former. Give the unusual ulcers,  random cramping, and some exaggerated PMS symptoms, I was slowly convincing myself I should take a test; however, I was still a few days out from when I would start my next cycle.

A couple days passed and I decided to test.

I didn't tell Chris because I was expecting it to be like every other past month. Negative. However, this time... there was a line. And unlike last April, there was no need for squinting or perfect lighting. There was a very faint, but obvious line staring back at me.

I cried.

I'd been praying, hoping, wanting for so long. I could not believe it was finally our time.

I still didn't tell Chris. I waited and tested again the next morning. It was slightly darker.

It was a Saturday morning. I'd already tested before Chris was awake. Later that morning we were both sitting on the couch eating breakfast (yeah, that's how we roll on a Saturday morning - pajamas and all). I told him I had a positive test. I told him it was early. I told him I still wasn't past due for my next cycle, but there was definitely a positive pregnancy test sitting on the bathroom counter.

I watched a beautiful smile come across his face. I also saw the same reservations I was feeling. We both knew it was early, but we both also wanted to jump in the air. We decided to stay calm and see what tomorrow brings.

Tomorrow brought another positive test. No real change in the color of the test line, but still positive.

Then. Monday brought on fear. The line was lighter. And I knew. I hadn't had any pain indicating a miscarriage like last April, but I still knew. You just know.

I called my OB/GYN. Told the nurse we'd had a few days of positive tests, but today was lighter. I went in for blood work that afternoon. The following day I received a phone call confirming a miscarriage. The numbers were bad. HCG was 6 and progesterone was 1.4. And a few days later a new cycle began.

And just like that it was all over. Again. Emptiness.

My doctor encouraged us to avoid trying this cycle because my uterine lining needed a cycle to build back up. We also discussed that next time we will proceed with Clomid again and schedule an IUI.

March 2014
We got through the cycle following my early miscarriage - it was 44 days long. Forty four days!

I finally started a new cycle. I did another round of Clomid days 3-7 and began doing OPKs on day 9.  Because we were going to do an IUI, I decided to buy two different OPKs for variety and multiple testings each day.

Well, it didn't really work out as planned. Either one or both OPKs showed a positive from day 9-15. It was absurd and confusing. How am I supposed to pin-point ovulation when I'm getting positive OPKs for a week?

I called my OB on day cycle day 11 and told the RN that I was getting positives every day. She said it was too early, it must be a false positive, and to just keep testing. So I kept testing. Kept getting positives. I felt overwhelmed and confused. I had no clue if I already had or if I was about to ovulate. I didn't want to guess when I was ovulating and do an IUI at the incorrect time - they aren't free, ya know. I finally decided this month was a bust. Again.

This was our second planned IUI that just didn't work out.

Despite covering our bases, nothing happened this month. 30 day cycle. 

April 2014
We decided it was time to time to move on - no, not give up - it was time to see a specialist.

I love my OB/GYN and the aggressiveness she showed when I initially voiced concerns for infertility; however, I was becoming more and more concerned with the possibility of different things that could be wrong given both our inability to conceive and multiple miscarriages. I just felt like we were at the point where more testing, more digging needed to be done.

The previous month God put a new friend in my life - a friend that was also battling infertility and she shared with me a group that she was seeing and really voiced a love for this program.

I went to their website, looked at their Facebook page, and read as many reviews as possible. I never came across anything negative and decided we'd try them out. I scheduled our first visit with a specialist for May 6th.

May 2014
We aren't even half way into May, so there isn't too much to say for this month thus far. I will say we had our visit with the fertility specialist last week and it was a blessing. A weight lifted. We received so much information, we had so much testing completed, and we have a plan for my upcoming cycle.

We are ecstatic!

I'll soon be posting all about our initial visit with a fertility specialist.

Journey to Pregnancy: Second Six Months of Trying

Click here for the first six months.

June 2013
This month I had my annual physical with my new OB/GYN. I finally got to discuss what had been going on the past seven months - our failure to conceive, my incident in April, and how I've noticed that my cycles were getting longer each month.

Much to my surprise, my doctor was immediately on the ball about things. From everything I had read, doctors don't really become proactive about infertility until after a year of being unsuccessful. She ordered blood work for the next cycle. And assured me I'd be pregnant by the end of the year.

July 2013
This was the month that the reality of infertility set in. This was the first month I cried about it all.

My first round of blood work was on day three of my cycle. It tested follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) which is responsible for ovarian follicular growth - basically my egg supply. I do not remember my exact number; however, I do remember the nurse telling me that that my particular number was great. I was ecstatic to hear positive news and I foolishly convinced myself - all these tests are going to come back perfect and we were just dealing with a timing issue.

Then the second blood test came a little later in the cycle. Progesterone. Just because your ovarian follicular growth is good great doesn't mean you actually ovulate those eggs. A good progesterone level is 10-12ng/ml. Mine was 1.2. I was in shock when she told me what numbers they wanted and what my number was; I don't even remember reacting. All I heard was you're not ovulating. Which created extreme confusion for me because a.) I obviously didn't ovulate this month, but b.) I obviously did ovulate back in April. I was devastated that as a woman, my body isn't (at least not consistently) doing what it should be doing. So I was prescribed Clomid for he next cycle (If you're wondering about Clomid, I have a whole post dedicated to it coming in the future).

Thankfully, I had that friend I mentioned in the last post that had been through this exact same thing. Low progesterone, not ovulating, and having to use Clomid. Although I was in tears telling her the news, she was so positive and helped me to see the positive in the situation. No, I'm not ovulating, but now we know that and thankfully there's a drug that has a pretty high success rate in helping with anovulation. So after a few days of crying with Chris and some close friends, I was ready to accept it and move forward. I was excited again.

August 2013
So now that we knew what was going on with me, my doctor wanted to make sure that this was our only barrier - so she ordered my husband to have a specimen analysis. His sperm count was fantastic (above and beyond what was needed) and his morphology was normal (no sperm with two heads), but his rapid motility (the ones that typically get down the fallopian tubes and to the egg) was only about half of what it should be.

So we both have issues going on - issues that are pretty vital to conception. An egg needs to be released and sperm need to get to that egg. Without these two things there is no conception.

My doctor's nurse informed me that while it is possible to get pregnant with his low rapid motility, we may need to look at possible IUI if nothing happens in about three months.

I started my first round of Clomid this month. When you start on Clomid, a progesterone 21-day test is ordered to make sure your prescribed dosage is working (re: you ovulate). If not, they up the dosage. Thankfully for me, Clomid turns me into a Ovulating Rock Star. Remember back in July my progesterone was 1.2? My first month on Clomid my progesterone was 52. Yeah, 52. And although that number was amazing, nothing happened. 29 day cycle. 

September 2013
Since Clomid worked so well for me, my doctor wanted me to continue with taking it. Progesterone this month was 47 - still amazing. But nothing happened. 29 day cycle. 

October 2013
My third month on Clomid. Since I was ovulating with Clomid and it was possible that we could get pregnant (but haven't the past two cycles), my doctor ordered me to have a hysterosalpingogram (HSG). This test looks at the uterus and fallopian tubes to make sure there isn't a blockage of any kind within the tubes; they need to be clear for both the egg and sperm to travel. I'll be posting a separate post about the HSG a little later (it deserves its own post). Ultimately, there was no blockage (thank the Lord!). So I did Clomid and I did the HSG, but still nothing happened. 30 day cycle. 

November 2013
After three cycles on Clomid and no baby, it was time for the first IUI. I was prescribed Clomid for the fourth month. Told to start taking OPKs immediately after my last Clomid pill and call the office once the OPK is positive and they'd schedule an IUI the next day.

Unfortunately, we were unable to have the IUI this month. The week I ovulated, we ended up driving to North Carolina as my grandmother unexpectedly passed away.

Even though we'd been working towards conception and pregnancy for almost a year at this point, I wasn't upset with having to miss the IUI. I know the Lord works in mysterious ways; ways we can't see and sometimes can't even understand, but I can't help but think that we missed that IUI for a reason. Maybe the IUI is going to work perfectly for our situation, but it just was not time. I don't know. Nothing happened. 30 day cycle. 

December 2013
When I started my cycle in December, I was already exhausted. We'd gone through four round of Clomid and been unsuccessful and I'd unexpectedly lost my only grandparent. I just felt heavy and worn down. I really wasn't looking forward to another month of trying.

If you've battled with infertility, you know that it's easy to become consumed with planning and timing. For December I had calculated my cycle and looked ahead to around the time I would most likely ovulate if we did another round of Clomid (since I'd been fairly consistent in the past). Ovulation was going to happen right on or around Christmas Eve. Because of this and pure exhaustion, we decided not to spend our Christmas holiday focused on anything besides Christmas. We both needed a break.

I spoke with my OB/GYN, we discussed the fact that the Clomid is working perfectly - I'm definitely ovulating, but we're still not getting pregnant. And I didn't want to do another month on the Clomid without being able to do an IUI (and since ovulation was going to be around Christmas, the offices would be closed anyway) and since we needed a break, we decided not to do Clomid this month. No IUI. Nothing. We will resume Clomid and hopefully be able to schedule our first IUI in January 2014. What a great way to start a new year!

It was a liberating month. Wanting a child and not being able to conceive weighs down on you - so December was a blessing. I felt like me again. I made a point to not pay attention to my body at all. It was hard and I'd be lying if I said I didn't, but it was the least I'd thought about it in over a year and it was wonderful.

Journey to Baby: First Six Months of Trying

In my last post I gave you the preface to our journey. Since we now have 18 months to cover, I figured I'd break it down by every six months. Let's go.

December 2012 

I stopped my birth control this month. Didn't take it at all. We also weren't really expecting much as most of what I'd read (which wasn't really that much at the time) suggested giving the body a couple months to adjust coming off of the birth control. This also gives the female some time to get used to and be able to read her own body and the changes it goes through naturally each month. 31 day cycle.

January 2013 

Similar to December. I was still trying to read my body; starting to Google a bit more and read about the actual science behind conceiving. I was definitely noticing some twinges and pulls throughout the cycle, but still wasn't exactly sure about everything that was happening. I guess we kind of winged it; we tried, but we didn't try that hard. I was hoping we'd be one of those couples that comes off BC, barely tries, and boom, there's a baby. Nothing happened. 31 day cycle.

February 2013 

No one knew we were trying at this point except for a couple close friends at work. There was one that I'd opened up to that had battled infertility in the past. In a conversation she'd mentioned ovulation predictor kits (OPKs). I looked into them, did my research. They appeared to have their benefits, so I tried them for the first time. I knew using these and being extra attentive to ovulation would be all we needed. Nothing happened. 32 day cycle.

March 2013 

I used the OPK again this month. Continued to stay in tune with my body and the changes it went through during the cycle. Another month passed - and nothing happened. This was the month that the idea of infertility began to weigh on my mind. I considered the possibility, but wasn't ready to admit it. 33 day cycle.

April 2013 

A few months had past and I was able to really start picking up on my body and cycle. I was using an OPK - I'd also read about and started to utilize basal body temperature (BBT). Timing of every thing really seemed to line up this month. Around the time of my expected period I noticed some exaggerated PMS symptoms. I especially knew something was off when I found myself crying at a group of friends cheering to friendship on the Food Network. So I decided to buy a pregnancy test.

I took my first test Friday afternoon. Initially the test appeared to be negative. I went back to look at it a little later and there appeared to be a line. I had to squint and hold it just perfectly in the light, but something was definitely there. I'd read about evap-lines on pregnancy tests, so I remained calm and decided it would be better to test when I woke up the next morning.

Tested the next morning and the faintest of faints line was there. It was faint, but no squinting or specialty lighting was needed to see it. I couldn't believe it. I was excited, but something was holding me back. I knew I should be super excited (I could see a second line!), but for whatever reason I wasn't as excited as one should be when seeing a positive pregnancy test for the first time. I tested again Sunday morning. Faint positive. Then again on Monday morning. Faint positive.

I'd done my research. I knew HCG (the pregnancy hormone) doubled every 2-3 days. I knew these lines should be getting darker. Not necessarily every morning, but definitely between testing on a Friday and and Monday - but they weren't. In the back of my mind I knew what was going on.

Monday evening I noticed an intense, sharp pain running through my lower abdomen. The first time it happened, I blew it off - but then it kept happening. It went on for about 15 minutes. I felt the pain about 8-10 times. I knew it was probably not good.

Tested again Tuesday morning. The faint line that used to be there was gone. There was nothing. The next day verified everything and a new cycle began.

Although this month didn't go as well as hoped, I still considered it the silver lining for us. It was incredibly devastating to achieve conception and then immediately lose it, but it was a great reminder that this can happen. Your bodies are able. It's just not time yet. 35 day cycle.

May 2013
It felt like starting back at square one. I continued with the OPK, logging my BBT, and I even put an app on my phone to keep up with it all (mostly because my day-planner was starting to look crazy and I would have been mortified if I'd lost it and a stranger was reading all the details of my monthly cycle - however, as I type this, I realize I'm now sharing my monthly cycles with the whole world. My point is moot).

In the upcoming month I was due for my annual physical and I'd been seeing a gynecologist since moving to Alabama. I decided I need to start seeing an OB/GYN and asked around for some recommendations (working at the hospital really had its benefits). I heard about a wonderful OB/GYN that a couple nurse practitioners loved. So I looked her up and scheduled with her for next month. Nothing happened this month. 36 day cycle. 

Journey to Baby: Deciding to Start a Family

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I feel like there's no better place to start with these posts than sharing a little on what happened before it even began - and really how it all began.

Before we were ever engaged or married Chris and I knew we wanted children and always imagined ourselves with a family. The only place we differ is that Chris sees us with two children and I see us with three, four, or five.

So let's really back it up. We both finished our college careers (and I call them careers because we were both in college for seven years…) in May 2010. A few months later we married, honeymooned, and moved from North Carolina to Alabama. Chris started working before our furniture even arrived and a few months later I started my first job. For the next couple of years we focused on our careers, gaining experience, and becoming successful.

During these couple of years the idea of starting a family wasn't quite on our minds yet. We enjoyed working; we enjoyed having freedom on the weekend to go out or sleep in; we enjoyed having the freedom to do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted. We were just living life as young, professional, newlyweds.

Fast forward to late summer 2012. I was 27. It suddenly hit me that I was a couple short months away from really being in my late twenties and I felt like we needed to start considering a time in the near future to start a family. Not necessarily tomorrow or next month, but in the upcoming future… So we sat down and had a discussion. We voiced our individual concerns and reservations (his were more about actually "being ready" and mine were that I just didn't have that desire yet), but we ultimately agreed that the time was near. However, when the discussion ended, we didn't really come up with a game plan - if you will.

As summer approached its end, I began to slowly pray for a change of heart. I knew I needed a desire I didn't have yet - so I prayed. I prayed for a desire and a confidence (that we both needed) in order to make the decision to start a family.

Fast forward to November 2012. It was the end of the month and it was time for a new cycle to start. When you're cycle is like clockwork for years and all of a sudden you're late - you notice.

So there I was, several days late… I suddenly found myself battling emotions of shock, fear, and concern; I considered the reality of a late period and what that could mean. My thoughts included: No. Was this really our time. Already? How did this happen? I never miss a pill. I haven't been particularly stressed out. I definitely haven't increased my exercises. I haven't done anything that would warrant a late period…

I spent a day or two being consumed with worried and doubtful emotions.

And then all those thoughts faded and slowly started turning into: Wow, I could be pregnant. Carrying life inside me. I didn't realize how lovely this possibility actually felt. I may soon be a mother - and Chris a father. 

As each of these new thoughts entered in, it was like the baby-itch (which I'd honestly never had) slowly began to spread throughout my mind and body. The reality of a late period was no longer worrisome, it was exciting.

And just like that, everything changed. That was the day I received an answer to the prayer I'd been praying. A desire was present and there was no turning back; let's have a baby!

A couple days later my next cycle started. I didn't refill my birth control prescription. And our journey began.

The F Word

Fertility.

Infertility, actually.

It's been heavy on my heart for a few months now to take to my blog and get personal. A lot more personal than showing you some pictures of a vacation, my favorite makeup, or an outfit I wore to go out to eat. Although, I do enjoy sharing those things. And will continue to do so.

Before I get going, let me say: this was an extremely hard post to write - and not because what I have to say was difficult to put into words. No, that was the easy part. It's hard because everything you're about to read is personal and honest; I feel I risk being too exposed sharing intimate portions of my life on a public form. That being said, I've benefited greatly by others sharing their stories and I feel as if the benefits of sharing this outweighs keeping it all to myself.

So here it is: Chris and I have been trying to have a baby for 17 months.

This month marks one year since we had our first miscarriage (we've since had another). It's also National Infertility Awareness Week. So I thought this would be a great time to start sharing our journey. We'll label this my introductory post, then I am going to do a series of posts taking you through our journey thus far.

I know this is kind of off the dusty trail of D&T, but if you've noticed, I've been pretty absent for a while (hints the dust). It's been well over a year since I've been consistent with my blog. I just haven't been motivated to post regularly and that's mostly because I've been busy with life (...like trying to make a baby).

And although I'm still busy with life, I want to be back. Writing, posting, sharing. I enjoy it. I do. Sometimes, though, you need a break (or you don't have time). I've had mine. Now it's time to move forward. Hope you're with me.

Now, back to the F word.

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby since December 2012 - 17 months. Which is a long time compared to some who get pregnant immediately after stopping the pill; it's also pretty insignificant compared to women I know who are on year seven, eight, or nine.

Whether it's been one year or nine years, infertility is infertility - and it's tough. There can be a stigma. Your body is not doing what it was designed to do. It consumes your thoughts. You're so happy for others, but there's a heavy feeling (only women who have dealt with infertility know) when your news feed fill with pregnancy announcements. You feel left out. When strangers ask if you have children, it stings. When friends ask when are you ever going to have a baby, it's even worse.

And if all that wasn't enough, infertility isn't life-threatning and getting any type of infertility treatment is considered elective - so insurance companies don't help out. At all. (<rant> This infuriates me. I didn't choose to be infertile. I didn't do anything in my past to cause this. Yet insurance will pay for a chain smoker to be treated for lung cancer despite a quite obvious warning label. And they'll pay for a 30 year old woman who has skin cancer after voluntarily spending every day for the past 15 years laying in a tanning bed. But, me? I haven't done anything to damage myself or cause this - I want a family and I need some medical intervention to do so. Sorry, can't help out. We're busy giving money to a chain smoker. You'll have to come up with the tens of thousands of dollars on your own to have a baby or adopt. </rant>).

It can be a dark hole.

And I promise I'm not as bitter as that previous paragraph may lead you to believe. But I'm not going to tell you that it's easy; it's very frustrating at times.

Moving on.

I wanted to share our journey thus far for a couple reasons.

My testimony. God has been ever-present throughout this entire journey. Before it even started, actually. Through His presence in this segment of our life I have drawn incredibly close to Him. I've learned that He has a plan for me. I may not (and do not) understand it all, but I do trust that He knows what He's doing. That any pain I may have at this time will not compare to the joy I will have in the future. And that if I pray for something and have faith that He'll give it to me - He will. And that knowledge, confidence, and faith gets me through it all.

More women battle infertility than what you might think. Millions. 1 in 8 women/couples trying to conceive. I find it unreal the number of women I personally know who have in the past or are currently suffering from infertility. Has there always been such a large number of couples struggling? Has the number risen over the years? Is is something we eat? Or the lifestyle we live? I don't know, but it's very present. And worse than it being so present - no one likes to talk about it. So I am.

If I can reach out to one person: be a ray of hope, a positive influence, or just someone to talk to - then it's all worth it. As I began to realize having a baby was going to be difficult for us, I wanted to talk about it. So I took to Google and learned a plethora of information. Came across hundreds of women on message boards telling their stories. So many women, so many different stories. As someone who's been online searching for answers - I know how wonderful it feels to read a post or a blog entry that's relatable. That has a success story. That gives hope. And although we don't have a success story yet, I know we will and I want to share it all - front start to finish.

I'm excited to share my story, my thoughts, and my journey as it continues.