To say we were shocked to learn this news is an incredible understatement. We were not trying, this was not our plan; this happened completely unassisted by any medication, nurses, doctors, or procedures. I actually wasn't on any medication at all - I'd ditched it all. But that makes the fact that this happened even more so unbelievable. A complete miracle. Our second miracle.
I've passed 12 weeks. Which is a big milestone - especially since my body has done all the work by itself. Typically 12 weeks is considered a safe zone, but after your water breaks at 16 weeks and you deliver at 23 weeks, you realize there is no safe zone in pregnancy. So every week that rolls over means there's one behind us and for that we are thankful.
I learned of this surprise on September 20th, a Sunday night. I went to the bathroom to take a shower - a complete luxury these days. As my shower water was warming, I decided to take a pregnancy test. I did not think I was pregnant. At all. I only knew it was getting close to two months since my last cycle and although I typically have longer cycles, this was getting to be the longest since giving birth.
I took the test
My jaw dropped. My hands covered my mouth. I stared at myself in the mirror. What?
My first reaction was tears. I cried for a lot of reasons. I was shocked and surprised. In denial that this was real life. I was scared. My mind was not prepared for another pregnancy so soon after such a traumatic experience. I'd even recently began to consider the idea of Sadie Ann being an only child. So this hit me in the gut, really hard.
I went on to shower and afterwards ended up in Sadie Ann's nursery. Sitting in her rocking chair. I lost it. I was sobbing. Juggling a hundred different emotions. Chris eventually came in, holding Sadie Ann. He walked in on me crying and I saw the fear in his face. He asked me four, five times, What's wrong, Linley?
Nothing was wrong.
Then I told him. I'm pregnant.
Through my tears I saw his jaw drop and then a smile come across his face. He was comforting, also in shock, but immediately happy. He looked to Sadie Ann and told her she was going to be a big sister. Seeing him completely happy (doing a great job of hiding any fear he might have been feeling) about the news helped me to gather myself and dry the tears.
God definitely likes to remind us that we don't make our own plans. As I mentioned earlier, I had recently began to think we would just be a family of three. At one point in my life I wanted four children. At this point, I was completely content with one. Even if we were to have more children, it would be several years from now. I knew I wanted to give everything I had to Sadie Ann these first three or four years of her life. And after finding out I was pregnant, this is what I struggled with the most. I was immediately worried she wouldn't get every ounce of me that she deserved.
I was wrapped up in this idea for a while.
Then, in a conversation with Chris, he said she will never know the difference. And he was right. God used that simple sentence to completely turn my fear and emotions around. If anything, she's going to love having a baby in the house. Someone so close in age as they are growing up. And that makes me smile.
Today I am 15 weeks and 4 days. Even into the second trimester, sometimes this just doesn't seems real. Then I catch a glimpse of my growing belly and am reminded this is very real. In the past week, I've even began to feel the baby flip and move about - a feeling I didn't realize I missed so badly. Today I took a nap with Sadie Ann. She was snuggled up with me. I had her in my arms and could feel the baby flipping and I felt so blessed. I was laying there surrounded by two blessings and two miracles. And Katie.
Next week is 16 weeks. I'm obviously juggling a bit of fear, but like I discussed with my OBGYN, this baby was not our plan, it was God's. That fact gives me confidence that He will protect me and the baby and carry us to full term without any unexpected events - restoring our hope in pregnancy. That's my prayer. Every single day.
I'm having ultrasounds every other week to check my cervix - checking the length and to make sure there is no funneling or concerning issues. So far so good! We're doing an extra one next week just because it's week 16 - mainly for my peace of mind.
Right now my mind is at peace. Even though I had no desire to become pregnant any time soon, I'm thankful to have this experience again. An experience I didn't know if I was willing to ever give a second chance.