Journey to Pregnancy: Second Six Months of Trying

Click here for the first six months.

June 2013
This month I had my annual physical with my new OB/GYN. I finally got to discuss what had been going on the past seven months - our failure to conceive, my incident in April, and how I've noticed that my cycles were getting longer each month.

Much to my surprise, my doctor was immediately on the ball about things. From everything I had read, doctors don't really become proactive about infertility until after a year of being unsuccessful. She ordered blood work for the next cycle. And assured me I'd be pregnant by the end of the year.

July 2013
This was the month that the reality of infertility set in. This was the first month I cried about it all.

My first round of blood work was on day three of my cycle. It tested follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) which is responsible for ovarian follicular growth - basically my egg supply. I do not remember my exact number; however, I do remember the nurse telling me that that my particular number was great. I was ecstatic to hear positive news and I foolishly convinced myself - all these tests are going to come back perfect and we were just dealing with a timing issue.

Then the second blood test came a little later in the cycle. Progesterone. Just because your ovarian follicular growth is good great doesn't mean you actually ovulate those eggs. A good progesterone level is 10-12ng/ml. Mine was 1.2. I was in shock when she told me what numbers they wanted and what my number was; I don't even remember reacting. All I heard was you're not ovulating. Which created extreme confusion for me because a.) I obviously didn't ovulate this month, but b.) I obviously did ovulate back in April. I was devastated that as a woman, my body isn't (at least not consistently) doing what it should be doing. So I was prescribed Clomid for he next cycle (If you're wondering about Clomid, I have a whole post dedicated to it coming in the future).

Thankfully, I had that friend I mentioned in the last post that had been through this exact same thing. Low progesterone, not ovulating, and having to use Clomid. Although I was in tears telling her the news, she was so positive and helped me to see the positive in the situation. No, I'm not ovulating, but now we know that and thankfully there's a drug that has a pretty high success rate in helping with anovulation. So after a few days of crying with Chris and some close friends, I was ready to accept it and move forward. I was excited again.

August 2013
So now that we knew what was going on with me, my doctor wanted to make sure that this was our only barrier - so she ordered my husband to have a specimen analysis. His sperm count was fantastic (above and beyond what was needed) and his morphology was normal (no sperm with two heads), but his rapid motility (the ones that typically get down the fallopian tubes and to the egg) was only about half of what it should be.

So we both have issues going on - issues that are pretty vital to conception. An egg needs to be released and sperm need to get to that egg. Without these two things there is no conception.

My doctor's nurse informed me that while it is possible to get pregnant with his low rapid motility, we may need to look at possible IUI if nothing happens in about three months.

I started my first round of Clomid this month. When you start on Clomid, a progesterone 21-day test is ordered to make sure your prescribed dosage is working (re: you ovulate). If not, they up the dosage. Thankfully for me, Clomid turns me into a Ovulating Rock Star. Remember back in July my progesterone was 1.2? My first month on Clomid my progesterone was 52. Yeah, 52. And although that number was amazing, nothing happened. 29 day cycle. 

September 2013
Since Clomid worked so well for me, my doctor wanted me to continue with taking it. Progesterone this month was 47 - still amazing. But nothing happened. 29 day cycle. 

October 2013
My third month on Clomid. Since I was ovulating with Clomid and it was possible that we could get pregnant (but haven't the past two cycles), my doctor ordered me to have a hysterosalpingogram (HSG). This test looks at the uterus and fallopian tubes to make sure there isn't a blockage of any kind within the tubes; they need to be clear for both the egg and sperm to travel. I'll be posting a separate post about the HSG a little later (it deserves its own post). Ultimately, there was no blockage (thank the Lord!). So I did Clomid and I did the HSG, but still nothing happened. 30 day cycle. 

November 2013
After three cycles on Clomid and no baby, it was time for the first IUI. I was prescribed Clomid for the fourth month. Told to start taking OPKs immediately after my last Clomid pill and call the office once the OPK is positive and they'd schedule an IUI the next day.

Unfortunately, we were unable to have the IUI this month. The week I ovulated, we ended up driving to North Carolina as my grandmother unexpectedly passed away.

Even though we'd been working towards conception and pregnancy for almost a year at this point, I wasn't upset with having to miss the IUI. I know the Lord works in mysterious ways; ways we can't see and sometimes can't even understand, but I can't help but think that we missed that IUI for a reason. Maybe the IUI is going to work perfectly for our situation, but it just was not time. I don't know. Nothing happened. 30 day cycle. 

December 2013
When I started my cycle in December, I was already exhausted. We'd gone through four round of Clomid and been unsuccessful and I'd unexpectedly lost my only grandparent. I just felt heavy and worn down. I really wasn't looking forward to another month of trying.

If you've battled with infertility, you know that it's easy to become consumed with planning and timing. For December I had calculated my cycle and looked ahead to around the time I would most likely ovulate if we did another round of Clomid (since I'd been fairly consistent in the past). Ovulation was going to happen right on or around Christmas Eve. Because of this and pure exhaustion, we decided not to spend our Christmas holiday focused on anything besides Christmas. We both needed a break.

I spoke with my OB/GYN, we discussed the fact that the Clomid is working perfectly - I'm definitely ovulating, but we're still not getting pregnant. And I didn't want to do another month on the Clomid without being able to do an IUI (and since ovulation was going to be around Christmas, the offices would be closed anyway) and since we needed a break, we decided not to do Clomid this month. No IUI. Nothing. We will resume Clomid and hopefully be able to schedule our first IUI in January 2014. What a great way to start a new year!

It was a liberating month. Wanting a child and not being able to conceive weighs down on you - so December was a blessing. I felt like me again. I made a point to not pay attention to my body at all. It was hard and I'd be lying if I said I didn't, but it was the least I'd thought about it in over a year and it was wonderful.

Weekend Wear {On my Face}

 bb cream // concealer // mascara // eyelash curler // eye shadow // blush 

Most weekends I catch up with my cleaning, to do list, and errands. I buy groceries, run to Target or Sam's, and try to squeeze in some leisurely shopping. I'm a jeans and a tee kinda gal on the weekends and I wear the makeup to match. So unless I'm going somewhere nice like out to eat or somewhere special with others, my face is easy and without any fuss. 

BB Cream: I find that bb cream is perfect for the weekend (and even some work days when I'm running late). It's not full coverage, but it definitely evens everything out and gives me a bit of color. I first tried a more expensive bb cream; I fell in love (love!) with the product, but not the price. So before I splurged to buy the full size tube, I decided to try a few drug store brands. Maybelline's BB cream was the first I tried and it was all I needed. I love this formula and I haven't felt the need to try any other brands. I know a lot of other brands I love make a bb cream, but I feel like if it ain't broke, don't fix it. 

Concealer: When the weekend rolls around I'm not trying to be super glamorous, but I'm also not trying to scare anyone. Because the bb cream isn't full coverage, there are still a few spots that need concealing - namely under my eyes. This particular concealer is lightweight, doesn't migrate, and covers well. 

Mascara: Whether I am going all out with my makeup or doing an easy, more natural look, I still want a mascara that's going to stay put and make my eyelash look fabulous. Mally is my go-to for this look. And most all other looks. 

Eyelash Curler: My eyelash tend to stick straight out like they are pointing at someone if I don't curl them before and after I apply mascara. So a curler is a necessity with any and all looks. 

Eye Shadow: My go-to eyeshadow isn't a particular brand or color - it's anything that's neutral with a bit of shimmer. I like the jumbo pencil style shadow because I just color it on, blend it out with a brush, and it's done. It's easy, quick, and looks great. 

Blush: In staying with an easy, non-fussy look, I typically use a pretty neutral blush. Nothing too bright, but something that still gives definition and color. 

And that's it. It takes about five minutes and I'm out the door. 

Journey to Baby: First Six Months of Trying

In my last post I gave you the preface to our journey. Since we now have 18 months to cover, I figured I'd break it down by every six months. Let's go.

December 2012 

I stopped my birth control this month. Didn't take it at all. We also weren't really expecting much as most of what I'd read (which wasn't really that much at the time) suggested giving the body a couple months to adjust coming off of the birth control. This also gives the female some time to get used to and be able to read her own body and the changes it goes through naturally each month. 31 day cycle.

January 2013 

Similar to December. I was still trying to read my body; starting to Google a bit more and read about the actual science behind conceiving. I was definitely noticing some twinges and pulls throughout the cycle, but still wasn't exactly sure about everything that was happening. I guess we kind of winged it; we tried, but we didn't try that hard. I was hoping we'd be one of those couples that comes off BC, barely tries, and boom, there's a baby. Nothing happened. 31 day cycle.

February 2013 

No one knew we were trying at this point except for a couple close friends at work. There was one that I'd opened up to that had battled infertility in the past. In a conversation she'd mentioned ovulation predictor kits (OPKs). I looked into them, did my research. They appeared to have their benefits, so I tried them for the first time. I knew using these and being extra attentive to ovulation would be all we needed. Nothing happened. 32 day cycle.

March 2013 

I used the OPK again this month. Continued to stay in tune with my body and the changes it went through during the cycle. Another month passed - and nothing happened. This was the month that the idea of infertility began to weigh on my mind. I considered the possibility, but wasn't ready to admit it. 33 day cycle.

April 2013 

A few months had past and I was able to really start picking up on my body and cycle. I was using an OPK - I'd also read about and started to utilize basal body temperature (BBT). Timing of every thing really seemed to line up this month. Around the time of my expected period I noticed some exaggerated PMS symptoms. I especially knew something was off when I found myself crying at a group of friends cheering to friendship on the Food Network. So I decided to buy a pregnancy test.

I took my first test Friday afternoon. Initially the test appeared to be negative. I went back to look at it a little later and there appeared to be a line. I had to squint and hold it just perfectly in the light, but something was definitely there. I'd read about evap-lines on pregnancy tests, so I remained calm and decided it would be better to test when I woke up the next morning.

Tested the next morning and the faintest of faints line was there. It was faint, but no squinting or specialty lighting was needed to see it. I couldn't believe it. I was excited, but something was holding me back. I knew I should be super excited (I could see a second line!), but for whatever reason I wasn't as excited as one should be when seeing a positive pregnancy test for the first time. I tested again Sunday morning. Faint positive. Then again on Monday morning. Faint positive.

I'd done my research. I knew HCG (the pregnancy hormone) doubled every 2-3 days. I knew these lines should be getting darker. Not necessarily every morning, but definitely between testing on a Friday and and Monday - but they weren't. In the back of my mind I knew what was going on.

Monday evening I noticed an intense, sharp pain running through my lower abdomen. The first time it happened, I blew it off - but then it kept happening. It went on for about 15 minutes. I felt the pain about 8-10 times. I knew it was probably not good.

Tested again Tuesday morning. The faint line that used to be there was gone. There was nothing. The next day verified everything and a new cycle began.

Although this month didn't go as well as hoped, I still considered it the silver lining for us. It was incredibly devastating to achieve conception and then immediately lose it, but it was a great reminder that this can happen. Your bodies are able. It's just not time yet. 35 day cycle.

May 2013
It felt like starting back at square one. I continued with the OPK, logging my BBT, and I even put an app on my phone to keep up with it all (mostly because my day-planner was starting to look crazy and I would have been mortified if I'd lost it and a stranger was reading all the details of my monthly cycle - however, as I type this, I realize I'm now sharing my monthly cycles with the whole world. My point is moot).

In the upcoming month I was due for my annual physical and I'd been seeing a gynecologist since moving to Alabama. I decided I need to start seeing an OB/GYN and asked around for some recommendations (working at the hospital really had its benefits). I heard about a wonderful OB/GYN that a couple nurse practitioners loved. So I looked her up and scheduled with her for next month. Nothing happened this month. 36 day cycle. 

Journey to Baby: Deciding to Start a Family

{via}

I feel like there's no better place to start with these posts than sharing a little on what happened before it even began - and really how it all began.

Before we were ever engaged or married Chris and I knew we wanted children and always imagined ourselves with a family. The only place we differ is that Chris sees us with two children and I see us with three, four, or five.

So let's really back it up. We both finished our college careers (and I call them careers because we were both in college for seven years…) in May 2010. A few months later we married, honeymooned, and moved from North Carolina to Alabama. Chris started working before our furniture even arrived and a few months later I started my first job. For the next couple of years we focused on our careers, gaining experience, and becoming successful.

During these couple of years the idea of starting a family wasn't quite on our minds yet. We enjoyed working; we enjoyed having freedom on the weekend to go out or sleep in; we enjoyed having the freedom to do whatever we wanted, whenever we wanted. We were just living life as young, professional, newlyweds.

Fast forward to late summer 2012. I was 27. It suddenly hit me that I was a couple short months away from really being in my late twenties and I felt like we needed to start considering a time in the near future to start a family. Not necessarily tomorrow or next month, but in the upcoming future… So we sat down and had a discussion. We voiced our individual concerns and reservations (his were more about actually "being ready" and mine were that I just didn't have that desire yet), but we ultimately agreed that the time was near. However, when the discussion ended, we didn't really come up with a game plan - if you will.

As summer approached its end, I began to slowly pray for a change of heart. I knew I needed a desire I didn't have yet - so I prayed. I prayed for a desire and a confidence (that we both needed) in order to make the decision to start a family.

Fast forward to November 2012. It was the end of the month and it was time for a new cycle to start. When you're cycle is like clockwork for years and all of a sudden you're late - you notice.

So there I was, several days late… I suddenly found myself battling emotions of shock, fear, and concern; I considered the reality of a late period and what that could mean. My thoughts included: No. Was this really our time. Already? How did this happen? I never miss a pill. I haven't been particularly stressed out. I definitely haven't increased my exercises. I haven't done anything that would warrant a late period…

I spent a day or two being consumed with worried and doubtful emotions.

And then all those thoughts faded and slowly started turning into: Wow, I could be pregnant. Carrying life inside me. I didn't realize how lovely this possibility actually felt. I may soon be a mother - and Chris a father. 

As each of these new thoughts entered in, it was like the baby-itch (which I'd honestly never had) slowly began to spread throughout my mind and body. The reality of a late period was no longer worrisome, it was exciting.

And just like that, everything changed. That was the day I received an answer to the prayer I'd been praying. A desire was present and there was no turning back; let's have a baby!

A couple days later my next cycle started. I didn't refill my birth control prescription. And our journey began.

The F Word

Fertility.

Infertility, actually.

It's been heavy on my heart for a few months now to take to my blog and get personal. A lot more personal than showing you some pictures of a vacation, my favorite makeup, or an outfit I wore to go out to eat. Although, I do enjoy sharing those things. And will continue to do so.

Before I get going, let me say: this was an extremely hard post to write - and not because what I have to say was difficult to put into words. No, that was the easy part. It's hard because everything you're about to read is personal and honest; I feel I risk being too exposed sharing intimate portions of my life on a public form. That being said, I've benefited greatly by others sharing their stories and I feel as if the benefits of sharing this outweighs keeping it all to myself.

So here it is: Chris and I have been trying to have a baby for 17 months.

This month marks one year since we had our first miscarriage (we've since had another). It's also National Infertility Awareness Week. So I thought this would be a great time to start sharing our journey. We'll label this my introductory post, then I am going to do a series of posts taking you through our journey thus far.

I know this is kind of off the dusty trail of D&T, but if you've noticed, I've been pretty absent for a while (hints the dust). It's been well over a year since I've been consistent with my blog. I just haven't been motivated to post regularly and that's mostly because I've been busy with life (...like trying to make a baby).

And although I'm still busy with life, I want to be back. Writing, posting, sharing. I enjoy it. I do. Sometimes, though, you need a break (or you don't have time). I've had mine. Now it's time to move forward. Hope you're with me.

Now, back to the F word.

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby since December 2012 - 17 months. Which is a long time compared to some who get pregnant immediately after stopping the pill; it's also pretty insignificant compared to women I know who are on year seven, eight, or nine.

Whether it's been one year or nine years, infertility is infertility - and it's tough. There can be a stigma. Your body is not doing what it was designed to do. It consumes your thoughts. You're so happy for others, but there's a heavy feeling (only women who have dealt with infertility know) when your news feed fill with pregnancy announcements. You feel left out. When strangers ask if you have children, it stings. When friends ask when are you ever going to have a baby, it's even worse.

And if all that wasn't enough, infertility isn't life-threatning and getting any type of infertility treatment is considered elective - so insurance companies don't help out. At all. (<rant> This infuriates me. I didn't choose to be infertile. I didn't do anything in my past to cause this. Yet insurance will pay for a chain smoker to be treated for lung cancer despite a quite obvious warning label. And they'll pay for a 30 year old woman who has skin cancer after voluntarily spending every day for the past 15 years laying in a tanning bed. But, me? I haven't done anything to damage myself or cause this - I want a family and I need some medical intervention to do so. Sorry, can't help out. We're busy giving money to a chain smoker. You'll have to come up with the tens of thousands of dollars on your own to have a baby or adopt. </rant>).

It can be a dark hole.

And I promise I'm not as bitter as that previous paragraph may lead you to believe. But I'm not going to tell you that it's easy; it's very frustrating at times.

Moving on.

I wanted to share our journey thus far for a couple reasons.

My testimony. God has been ever-present throughout this entire journey. Before it even started, actually. Through His presence in this segment of our life I have drawn incredibly close to Him. I've learned that He has a plan for me. I may not (and do not) understand it all, but I do trust that He knows what He's doing. That any pain I may have at this time will not compare to the joy I will have in the future. And that if I pray for something and have faith that He'll give it to me - He will. And that knowledge, confidence, and faith gets me through it all.

More women battle infertility than what you might think. Millions. 1 in 8 women/couples trying to conceive. I find it unreal the number of women I personally know who have in the past or are currently suffering from infertility. Has there always been such a large number of couples struggling? Has the number risen over the years? Is is something we eat? Or the lifestyle we live? I don't know, but it's very present. And worse than it being so present - no one likes to talk about it. So I am.

If I can reach out to one person: be a ray of hope, a positive influence, or just someone to talk to - then it's all worth it. As I began to realize having a baby was going to be difficult for us, I wanted to talk about it. So I took to Google and learned a plethora of information. Came across hundreds of women on message boards telling their stories. So many women, so many different stories. As someone who's been online searching for answers - I know how wonderful it feels to read a post or a blog entry that's relatable. That has a success story. That gives hope. And although we don't have a success story yet, I know we will and I want to share it all - front start to finish.

I'm excited to share my story, my thoughts, and my journey as it continues.